Alloparent

Unless you study anthropology or animal behavior, you've probably never heard of the term alloparent: an individual other than the parent who helps care for offspring. A related term is fictive kin--people who are like family. When I first stumbled upon alloparent several years ago, it immediately resonated because it described the kinds of relationships we've developed with some close friends and neighbors who stand in for us as parents when needed. Alloparenting--sharing the responsibility of parenting--is the opposite of the isolated, nuclear way that many US families operate.

My time in the ICU has underscored the need for, and importance of, the alloparents in our lives. Like many academics, we don't live near our families, so we have created a community of what I now recognize are fictive kin and alloparents. Our friends/neighbors Tim and Allison have helped with the care and feeding of Lily (maybe someday we will do that child swap we've always talked about). Our neighbor Marianne drove Lily to her German language test and is ready to give rides and look in on her when needed. Nicole aka "Miss Cole" (Lily's former nanny) had her spend the night--and Lily is babysitting her kids this week! Anna took Lily out for mini-golf and giant boba. (Admittedly, I would not have let her get the largest size; this is something alloparents, aunties, and grandparents can get away with.) Audra's family had her over for the afternoon and evening while Leland was visiting me, and other friends quickly offered to have her over when I sent a message for help. Lily's former babysitter, Anjelica, will take her to see a movie and buy volleyball workout clothes in preparation for tryouts next week (Anjelica is also an only child and played volleyball at State High). Many other people, more than I can name here, have offered to step in to help. We are blessed to be surrounded by so many caretakers.

When I take on a new doctoral advisee, I tell them that they need to assemble a doctoral committee and team of people (mentors, peers, etc.) who can meet their intellectual, emotional, and other needs. As their advisor, I can't fulfill every role. It's the same with marriage: our partner can't possibly meet all our needs. That's why we need other friends and confidantes. Parenting is no different. It makes sense to look outside our family unit to help meet our children's needs, and our own. (That is why we enlisted our friend Marvin to teach Lily to ride a bike; we quickly realized we did not have the emotional fortitude for this task. I'm only half-way joking about having PTSD from this experience! But that is a story for another day.)

I'm acutely aware that right now I can't do the things I would normally be doing as a mom--getting Lily ready for volleyball, driving her around, getting errands done, providing emotional support, nagging about getting unpacked (oh, wait...). Leland has spent a lot of time on the road visiting me, unpacking, getting the house in order, etc. At 13, Lily has been forced to become more independent than she already was. In retrospect, taking public transportation independently and having a separate apartment for our last 2 weeks in Hamburg were great preparation for taking care of herself. She is already an adept cook, so we know she won't starve. :)

We are tremendously grateful for the alloparents in our lives who are helping to raise and care for Lily and alleviate the stress we would feel if we were trying to do it all by ourselves. Here's to alloparenting!