I'm no better than your average person at knowing what to say when someone shares that they have a life-threatening illness or have experienced some tragedy or other Hard Thing. But I do know what not to say: nothing.
Recently I emailed some people to let them know about my cancer diagnosis and health travails. In one case it was a group of parents that didn't yet know. A few people emailed back. The rest never said anything in writing or later when I saw them in person. I also emailed a health provider I haven't seen for several years with a non-cancer-related question and shared my news. He helpfully responded to my question, but didn't say a word about my diagnosis. This surprised me because he is a great listener and a compassionate person. In both cases, I was left scratching my head and, if I'm honest, feeling hurt. Someone tells you they have cancer, and you say...nothing?
Since my diagnosis, I've regretted that I didn't reach out more to friends who were going through hard times in the past. You don't realize how hard X is until you or someone close to you experiences it, and it's difficult to know what to say.
However, if someone shares their Hard Thing with you face-to-face, it would be a blatant social violation not to respond in some way. It's the type of social norm Larry David would flout on Curb Your Enthusiasm. So why do people think they don't need to acknowledge someone's pain if they express it in writing? Arguably, it should be easier to write back because you have time to compose a response rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.
I was mulling over this non-response when Kate Bowler's timely Facebook post popped up in my feed:
"On the long list of what *NOT* to say to someone in pain: 'When God closes a door, he opens a window.'
I’m a huge fan of when people just say: 'I'm so sorry. This is awful.' And then let me openly complain for as long as I need about how unfair life can be.
What do you like it when people say in hard times?"
****
Here's my template, which aligns with Bowler's:
1. That is [insert adjective: awful, horrible, terrible, heartbreaking, unfair, hard, distressing].
2. Throw in an expletive or two, if you are so inclined and your friend/acquaintance/loved one would appreciate it.
3. I'm so sorry.
That's it. Two or three short sentences. It's infinitely better than nothing.
(Disclaimer: I'm not writing this to guilt anyone into commenting on this post! This is a different genre with a different set of social norms.)
Esther I am so so sorry you going through this season. Season are rough and we should as women band together with kindness, hope , love ❤️, courage and whatever we can offer ! It’s what it is all about is learning from each other. I learned that silence is a form of emotional abuse. It’s taught at a young age and tons of people use it and do not know what it does to others.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Dolores. Yes, it's an important reminder that in some situations silence can be hurtful.
DeletePerhaps, it is out of fear, not really knowing what to say to ease your pain. Let's face it. Nothing we can say will remove your pain, your cancer, your anger, your whatever else. Knowing that makes us feel helpless in how to support you. However, you are right. If you took the time and had the courage the share that life has dealt you a bad hand, we should at least be attentive and sympathetic enough to say these two short sentences at the very least: I'm so sorry. That sucks!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm guessing you're right, that fear has something to do with it. To be clear, my comments were about people who are hearing my news for the first time. I'm immensely grateful for the support of family and friends throughout the past 8+ months.
DeleteI'm so glad for #2 on your list because I'm fairly certain that's exactly what I did. You, Leland and Lily walked with me as Larry dealt with cancer. I know sometimes people did not acknowledge what was happening; but as I look back at it, I wonder if they were so uncomfortable, they didn't know what to say. Maybe they were afraid they would make things worse or I (you) would cry. As I said, though, #2 is still my favorite. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWe love your salty, sassy ways, Marianne! It's uncomfortable to talk about hard things like cancer, as you know all too well. Larry was like a grandpa to Lily. We still miss him!
DeleteDear Esther, you have all the reasons to feel hurt. My father got a cancer years ago and I felt everything fell apart. It might be hard for people who do not have the similar experience to understand how tough and how panic it is to have a cancer. When my father had a cancer, he did not want other people to know, because he did not want to see the sympathy from people. For him, treating him like nothing happened made him feel that he is just like any other people without cancer. Hopefully some of your friends who did not respond to your cancer had the similar thoughts. Bo
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience, Bo. I'm sorry that you and your family had this close experience with cancer. :( Everyone responds differently. I think that's the key: finding out what others want (to talk or not talk about their diagnosis, etc.) rather than assuming. I appreciate your support.
DeleteHi Esther--I'm amazed at your graciousness & patience...to actually write a blog to EDUCATE people on how to respond well to a Hard Thing, like a cancer diagnosis. As if you didn't already have enough on your plate and on your mind to deal with. Perhaps it's the academic in you to *want* to teach, so that others can benefit. Thank you for taking the time to share this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Irene. I know it's time to write a blog post when I am walking around composing it in my head. :) Writing has become an outlet. Thanks for your constant encouragement.
DeleteThank you Auntie Esther for sharing (this is Claire….I am not sure how commenting on here works but it won’t let me sign in). It is so hard when you feel like life is completely altered and nobody is noticing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Claire. I know many people -- including you -- are noticing. That's what makes these other experiences stand out. I hope you're also feeling supported with S's T1D.
DeleteI am sorry to feel you left alone. Thank you for your kind teaching how to reach out to you. As some of your colleagues mentioned, we simply do not know how to mention those pains and how this ignorance and non-response influences...
ReplyDeleteThank you. As I mentioned above, my comments were not directed toward my friends and family who have been tremendously supportive. It's more about a few people who are hearing for the first time. We are all learning as we go along.
DeleteSometimes sorry goes a long way. We just need to be available for people during that Hard Thing. We can’t let the person feel alone. That does hurt. Thanks always for sharing hugs & love always. You are loved & not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alisa. It feels great to have you always in my corner cheering me on!
DeleteEsther, Thanks for sharing your template on what to say when someone tells us their 'hard' thing'. Thank you for living your life to the fullest despite your cancer diagnosis and for bringing us along. Laura
ReplyDeleteThank you, Laura. Same goes to you. You are always a great source of comfort, which is obviously why you're a therapist! :)
DeleteHi Esther, it’s so true that immobility comes from fear so many times. And it’s fear of saying the wrong thing and sometimes just fear of our own humanity and that we have no control. It sucks Esther. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. I wish I were closer.
DeleteThat last post from Henson!
DeleteThank you, Henson. Wish you were closer, too!
DeleteSocial norms vary by culture and context. They may not have known that you wanted a particular response from those two types of communications (group email, unrelated health provider question), which are very different from a personal conversation. I also think disclosures will vary by "circles of significance," and expectations for support are lower as people are more removed from the center of our communities. Definitely keep sharing for your own well being, not to get an obligatory formulaic response. Like you said, no one is perfect at replying to others' difficulties in person much less via email.
ReplyDeleteFair enough (re: they may not have known I wanted a personal response). Still, I personally cannot imagine receiving an email like that and not saying anything at all, either via email or later in person. These are folks I've spent quite a bit of time with over the past months, so it's really bizarre not to receive any acknowledgement of what our family is going through (other than the 3-4 people who did respond).
Delete