If you grew up hearing stories from the book of Genesis, you know about Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. I thought about this story over the past week because I regret having succumbed to the temptation to read my CT scan report, 5 days before my oncology appointment. Last Thursday I had a brain MRI and CT scan. Mt. Nittany hospital uploads the radiologists' reports on the scans within 24 hours. Due to a previous freak-out over some wording that sounded like bad news, I had sworn that I would not read these reports before my oncologist could interpret them.
So much for that. I read the reports first thing Friday morning. The brain MRI was clear, which I was expecting, but when I read "new 8mm nodule" on my CT scan report, I freaked out, even though everything else was stable. Three doctor friends, including an oncologist, walked me back from the brink with their assurances that it could be from an infection, that nodules often come and go, and that even if it is cancerous, it could be treated with radiation. Leland told me that it's probably nothing and if it is a concern, my oncologist will know what to do.
Still, I had to wait until Tuesday at 1pm to know for sure. Indeed, Dr. Nguyen, the UPMC Fellow who first talked with us, and Dr. Villaruz don't think it's anything to worry about because there are no other indicators suggesting cancer progression. In fact, Dr. Villaruz said my lungs have improved a lot since May 2023. The nodule could be from my bout with COVID in early January. I will have to wait 3 months, though, to see whether it disappears.
Lesson learned. As one of my doctor friends wrote, "Knowledge is not always your friend." In Wholehearted Faith, Rachel Held Evans (publishing posthumously) pondered whether the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil story is less about original sin than the consequences of seeking knowledge apart from wisdom:
"The Tree of Knowledge must always grow next to the Tree of Life, their roots intertwining, lest in our striving for comprehension we forget to honor the sacredness of our connection—to God, to one another, and to all of life."
I tried to take a shortcut, but only my oncologist possesses the wisdom required to make sense of these scans. I publicly declare that I will not click on that tantalizing link telling me there's a new report. Please hold me to it.
Noted! ~Emily (holding you in the light)
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteIt is so tempting... I especially like imaging, even though I don't know what I'm looking at. I had a friend who is a physician tell me once that if they did full body scans like the airport as standard, they'd need an entirely different staff to calm people down. My claim to fame coming out of sedation after a procedure was "are there pictures?" LOL! Followed by, "can we go get a burrito?"
ReplyDeleteThat is hilarious. I don't have access to the images. Sometimes my oncologist shows us. This past visit she didn't.
DeleteTotally agree. In the same vein, I never google any diagnosis or symptoms and I never read the potential side effects for any drugs I may be prescribed. Don't need to know it. Good for you and stay away from those links. Go down some rabbit hole that is going to make you happy instead.
ReplyDeleteGoogle is not your friend! (a lot of the time)
DeleteLesson are everywhere :) You have climbed the mountain and now sit and take in the view.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on it!
DeleteI feel you with this one. When I had my ruptured brain aneurysm I told them I did not want to know the location. Knowing myself if I had a pain in the area I would think worse case scenario. When I had breast cancer and had to do the BRACA gene test they wanted to tell me all the what ifs if it came back positive. I told them I didn't want to know. I would cross that bridge when and if it came. I had enough to worry about at the time. It did indeed come back negative thankfully! Keeping you in continued prayers~
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this, anonymous friend. Sounds like you were wiser than I.
DeleteI’ll hold you to it! I know it’s so tempting. There’s nothing to worry about. God’s STILL gotcha ♥️ can’t wait to see you
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alisa. Looking forward to seeing you, too!
DeleteThe temptation is strong!! Don't beat yourself up. Lesson learned. Try to ease of our mind - I know, easier said than done. But we are all praying for you. ❤️
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nicky. I appreciate it.
DeleteGlad you got reassurance from the doctors there, Esther. Praying for resolution and clean reports in a few months. Totally can relate to the strong "need to know" impulse though...good for you for the public accountability, bravo!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Irene!
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